The Power of Focus

Relationships can go in different directions throughout their duration. Sometimes as a couple you are walking through life closely and at other times the paths go in different directions. This could be the result of a new career, going to school, becoming parents or any number of possibilities that can be distracting to your life together. These are the times when focusing on each other’s well-being and developing a spirit of gratitude is important to help stay connected and on the same path. 

The “thought life” is a powerful place. Most people spend a lot of time in their head thinking, reacting, generating feelings, or creating images. Being mindful of the thoughts you let dominate your mind is an essential part of keeping your marriage in a positive place. Allowing negative thoughts about your spouse to fester or to dominate your thought life can have devastating effects on your marriage. Most imaginings are not based on reality but can become reality if allowed to take root. 

Say for instance you find yourself cringing when your spouse walks through the door, not because of fear of abuse or anything, just that you find yourself consistently irritated that they have come home to disrupt your peace or interrupt what you are working on. Can you imagine how, over time, this thought can manifest into how you start thinking about and acting toward your spouse? Chances are your spouse senses something is wrong, does not know how to fix it, and begins to change toward you as well. Taking action to change your reaction is a major step toward a more positive viewpoint of your loved one. 

Once you are mindful of a pervasive negative thought(s) about your spouse, take steps to turn those thoughts around. At first it may feel like “fake it until you make it,” but proactive actions can turn the situation around quickly.  Taking actions that are the opposite of how you feel can help turn the situation around in surprising ways. What actions could you take?

· Greeting your spouse with a hug and kiss when they arrive home (if it’s been a while, be prepared for questions about what may be wrong).

· Be empathetic toward your spouse by asking about his/her day and giving support or a listening ear. 

· Have some open and honest conversation. It may seem bold but sensitively sharing your feelings with your spouse by saying something like “lately I have not been feeling so connected with you, are you feeling the same?” 

· When you talk, physically touching one another by holding hands can create a more connected moment. It acts as a bridge to create warmth and closeness. 

Now you may be saying to yourself that your spouse is not acting right toward you! You may be surprised how that can change over a brief period of time. You can only change yourself in this situation. I came across an article at https://www.gottman.com/blog/be-the-change-you-wish-to-see-in-your-relationship/that delves into the subject of changing self to impact your relationship. A highly recommended read!

As you work to impact your thinking, practice gratitude toward your partner. It is easy to focus on the negative. Notice the word is to practicewhich means you need to do it frequently to get good at it. Gratitude is to think positive thoughts on purpose. Perhaps you have not really looked at your spouse – like really looked at them – and you as you take action to see them you see how handsome he is or how beautiful she is. Or perhaps you see fatigue that you had not noticed before which elicits feelings of gratitude for how hard your partner works and a desire to be more supportive. Looking at your partner positively with fresh eyes will transition negative thoughts and create feelings toward warmth, affection, and appreciation. 

If you find yourself spending more time thinking negatively about your spouse than positively, it is time to do a self-check to see what is happening with you. You can turn those negative thoughts around by focusing on your partner’s strengths and value. It usually does not take long before negative thinking makes a U turn and a stronger connection takes place.